


PotC Crack Pairing Ficlets

by were_lemur



Category: Pirates of the Carribean
Genre: F/M, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-20
Updated: 2009-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-17 05:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/were_lemur/pseuds/were_lemur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was hanging out with some friends, and shared my theory that any pairing in PotC could be done, if only for the length of a drabble.  I scrawled some stories about the crackiest pairings we could think of to amuse them, and typed them in because they were such absolute crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Davy Jones watched over the side of the _Flying Dutchman_ as she pulled up to the Isla de Muerta. Jack Sparrow was here, but for now that was not his concern. Sparrow still had a year before his debt came due, and Jones prided himself on being a man of his word.

The cursed crew of the _Black Pearl_ took a ferocious toll on the crew of the _Dauntless_. Jones hoped had he could add to his crew; he needed a few more strong fighters. But the cursed pirates were too efficient; the Navy men were already dead by the time they hit the water.

He was about to order the _Dutchman_ to slip back beneath the waves when the monkey lept from the cliff to the deck. It cocked its head at him for a moment -- long enough for him to notice that it was dressed like a dandy. Then it scrambled to his shoulder and started chittering in his ear.

He used one of his tentacles to sweep it away -- or tried to; it shifted its grip and clutched at the noodly appendage. Annoyed, Jones whipped the tentacle around to try and dislodge it; it just clutched closer.

It was at that point that Jones realized two things; first that the monkey was, in fact, undead; the second was that it was ... undulating ... quite a bit more than necessary.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you, Jack," Will said; "I'd wondered why Elizabeth was staying off the ocean."

"Well, soon as she's recovered, you'll get to meet William Junior -- or the Third, I guess he'd be technically. And who knows -- if you get another, you could name it after me."

Will allowed himself a moment's distraction at the thought, of Elizabeth riding him, her hair falling around them ... but was jerked back to the present by a dull grinding that vibrated through the _Dutchman_ 's hull. "What was that?"

"You were thinking of 'Lizbeth, weren't you? And not it a chaste way either, methinks."

"Yes ... "

"Part of the crew, part of the ship ... and that goes twice for her Captain."

It was useless to ask Jack to speak plain, but he couldn't help trying. "What do you mean?"

Jack grinned. "You're in the mood for a bit of grinding yourself, and your ship doesn't quite have your married inhibitions."

"You don't mean -- "

Jack draped himself artfully over his chair. "That's what I suppose you could call _the full broadside_."


	3. Chapter 3

Will looked up from his forge and was surprised to see Commodore Norrington standing in the doorway. He started to stammer something inane but Norrington spoke first. "I suppose congratulations are in order, Mr. Turner."

"Um, thank you."

"And also a warning."

"Warning?" Will asked, alarmed.

"Yes. Something the Governor said to me on the occasion of my own engagement to Elizabeth."

"Oh?"

Now, the Commodore went red. "He told me 'anything you're going to do to my daughter, I'll do to you first'."


	4. Chapter 4

"Father, what are you doing?" Elizabeth demanded.

"Preparing to engage in an act of heterosexual intercourse, as demanded by the fans."

"The who? What?"

"People have been complaining that there isn't enough het in this fandom. As I am the Governor, it is my duty to keep my constituents happy."

"Father, Governor is an appointed position, not elected."

" _You_ try explaining that to Fangiris Americanus."

"But why can't I have sex with Will? Or Commodore Norrington?"

"I'm afraid they're both ... tied up ... with Captain Sparrow at the moment. Now lean back, close your eyes, and think of the het fans."


	5. Chapter 5

James Norrington watched as Elizabeth was lead below the decks of the _Flying Dutchman_ with the rest of her crew. He turned -- and couldn't miss the predatory gleam in Davy Jones' eyes.

"You _will_ stay away from her," he ordered.

"Yes. Perhaps. If you are willing to substitute yourself ... "

"Oh," James said, and because his normal vocabulary was, he realized, insufficient to the situation, he was forced to borrow from Sparrow's; "Bugger."

Now, Jones smiled. _"Exactly."_


	6. Chapter 6

"Stole my ship," Barbossa said.

Norrington smiled humorlessly back. "Sunk mine. Led me into a hurricane."

"Shot me."

"Tried to kill me. Twice."

"Presumed on me mercy. I should never have left him that pistol."

"And on mine. I should have never allowed him the day's lead."

"Broke me heart."

"You have no such thing," Norrington said.

"I do. 'Twas what caught the bullet, after all."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes. Deprived me of the prettiest piece of arse."

"Created the situation that lead to -- what did you say?"

"Me and Sparrow, when I say we went back, I meant -- "

"Yes, I think I can take your meaning."

Barbossa grinned. "I think that you could take a great deal more."

"I'm well in my cups."

"So much the better. It'll be easier for both of us."

"I don't -- oh who am I kidding? If you don't do it, I'm sure Sparrow will sooner or later."


End file.
